Last night I cried myself to sleep.
After an emotional reading of Psalm 23 and 25. I cried, then I prayed, and I cried some more. The crazy thing is, I don't know what my tears were for? I think my mind and spirit are confused. I think I've become too immune to pain and heartache. I don't really handle it anymore. I view it as a grain of salt, but never really have any type of emotional break down or anything. It has/had become so bad that sometimes I don't even know when I'm going through. Last night I did...
This morning, with swollen eye lids I arose from slumber, thankful to see another day. Yet I still sit here confused, perplexed by last nights events. What did my tears mean...Let's run down the many things going through my mind...
Possible reasons for tears:
* I still sit in confusion on my real purpose
* I still am unsure of where God is leading me
* Do I stay?
* Do I go?
* Do I finish that which was not completed years ago?
* Is my heart still in it?
Man, now I understand why I'm so confused...My mind and spirit are dealing with so many things...
As I sit and read Psalms 25 to myself again, I am still getting emotional. The verses are penetrating my spirit and soul in a mighty way...
VS. 4 Show me the right path, O Lord;
point out the road for me to follow
[This was my prayer to God last night because I am lost. I stand at a fork in the road unsure of which road to take. So I stand asking God to show me the way]
VS. 8 The Lord is good and does what is right;
he shows the proper path to those who go astray
[This gave me hope. Lord knows that in my time, I have gone astray. I just need God to bring me back]
VS. 11 For the honor of your name, O Lord,
forgive my many, many sins.
12 Who are those who fear the Lord?
He will show them the path they should choose.
13 They will live in prosperity,
and their children will inherit the land.
14 The Lord is a friend to those who fear him.
He teaches them his covenant.
15 My eyes are always on the Lord,
for he rescues me from the traps of my enemies.
[Thank God for these verses! How appropriate is "Calling my name" (Hezekiah Walker and LFCC) to be playing in the background. He's still calling me. Even though I have sinned, he still calls me. How amazing/awesome/incredible is that? How I need thee O' God]
VS.16 Turn to me and have mercy,
for I am alone and in deep distress.
17 My problems go from bad to worse.
Oh, save me from them all!
18 Feel my pain and see my trouble.
Forgive all my sins.
19 See how many enemies I have
and how viciously they hate me!
20 Protect me! Rescue my life from them!
Do not let me be disgraced, for in you I take refuge.
21 May integrity and honesty protect me,
for I put my hope in you.
[What more can I say...]
The last few conversations that I've had with close friends and family, they've been telling me to ask God for what I need, and to be exact. This is my struggle. I want to make sure before going to him, that my WANTS are not before my NEEDS. Sometimes in life we get so focused on the wants, and that's not always what we NEED at the time. So I've struggled, I've delayed going to God on things because I'm still confused on what I really am asking for. So instead, I just pray for Guidance, Discernment, Patience, and Understanding. Last night I got a little more specific [That's between me and God of course]I know he heard me, but I wonder what his answer will be. I know he'll answer. God always answers. I wait in anticipation, and I don't mind waiting, but am I wrong for wondering what the answer will be?
I miss my Shiloh Family!!!
I've been away from my church home for the last month and a half. In August I was out of town for most of the month, so I was only there for two sundays. I went to Bible Study a couple of times. This month, because I was sick the first week, I opted to listen to an old Sermon from Pastor. That was good for me. This past Sunday, I went to another church close to home with my roommate. I know she's been looking for one closer to our apartment so I suggested a church and decided to visit with her on Sunday.
The sermon came out of Haggai [When first mentioned in the sermon I sat with the confused face. How many sermons actually come out of Haggai?] It was entitled: "Why we don't always get, everything God has for us"
Man, oh man, did that shoot a dagger right through my heart. The song says: "What God has for me, it is for me" So when I'm missing out on some things it's not because God has forgotten me, but maybe I need to evaluate my current walk and the things I'm doing.
So he gave us three points to consider when I'm wondering why I'm not getting everything that God has for me.
1. Consider your Sacrifice-It's my responsibility and duty, to honor God. That's in sacrifice of my time, my money, and my body.
2. Consider your Obedience-I must be obedient to God's will and call on my life. That means I can't only hear God, I must also listen...
3. Consider your Service-I must not only serve God and thank God for what he's done, but also because of who he is. It's how I can show my love and appreciation for who he is.
There it is--> S.O.S. (Sacrifice, Obedience, Service)
So it's time for me to really look in the mirror at myself. I can't continue to be afraid of what is going to look back at me. I must give God the glory and honor that is due...I never know what I could be missing out on.
So I will stay in STILLNESS....."Be Still And Know That I AM GOD!"
It's time for me to get more comfortable with the word, on my own, and not just in church and Bible Study.
Like the word says: "Consider your ways, acknowledge Him and He shall direct your path"
I'm ready to walk in my destiny!!!
So continue to pray for me during this time. I'm still finding my way. I'll be back at it soon. Lord knows I miss singing and dancing!! So for now I'm getting my private praise and worship on lol :)
As always, I'm here with a listening ear if you need me.
Peace and Blessings!
Always
[LOVE]
Forever
.: LA :.
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