.: Still Trusting :.

Wow, what a journey this year has been...

A year ago, I found myself struggling with a lot of things.



*Trust*--in God, in myself, in family, in men.
*Sex*--I fell short of my commitment to abstain
*Love*--of myself and who I've become, to others, from others
*Commitment*--to God, to my calling, relationships

A lot of the issues I never shared with anyone. I just went on as though there were no real issues. I actually believed that a lot of the issues would just disappear and I would not have to make any changes within my life or within myself in order for things to go right. Foolish Mortal

It took a while but there were number of nights that I cried, and prayed...Nights that I had to be alone with just me and God. During this time, I watched as relationships crumbled...and others grew strong...I watched as things within me transformed...My spiritual life transformed...

I realized that in order to get where I needed to be, that I had to take a lot of necessary steps and let God lead me. These are all things I already knew, but I wasn't actively practicing.

back in early 06, I made a commitment to abstain from sex until I was in a committed relationship. During that time I dated a few men, but because they couldn't get down with my choice to remain abstinent, they had to float on...In October 09 I slipped made a mistake, but I quickly learned from it and changed my vow from abstinence to celibacy...

Many even now don't understand why I made the decision that I did. I hear so many comments "You'll never find a man that will wait" "You're crazy" "Do you really think a man will be faithful" And that's fine because one thing I will never do is compromise my morals and values for the sake of a man, or society...So I'm sticking to my guns!

With that said, I know that it means, I will be in my single season right now...and that's fine...But don't get me wrong, this is not a lifestyle for everyone, and I would never force my view points on anyone..This is the life I've chosen...You choose yours and live yours...

I'm gonna keep the faith that God is preparing someone just for me...that not only understands my life choices but also respects it more importantly. So I will continue to wait patiently for my day...

..: It's been a while :.

I haven't shared in a long time... Here goes nothing :)

I can't seem to shake you
Waking up in a sweat
Falling asleep while still awake
I dream you
Day and Night
The fight I have each day with my heart is draining me
The feelings should have subsided long ago
But my heart says otherwise
The emotional attachment should have faded long ago
But my soul says otherwise
My mind says I should hate you
But my love still wishes to embrace you
Knowing that I can't have you, I still keep you
Close
Only as a friend
Steadily trying to prove how true we would have
Could have
and should have been
My pen seems to be the only way that you and I can be together
But I keep holding on to a memory
Haven't found someone better than you for me
So I stay lonely
Strategically
Master mindfully and tactfully etching out the possibility of being without you
And I push others away
I try to remain close to you
Knowing in the end that you without me will forever be my reality
But I'm struggling
Struggling to accept it
Struggling to embrace it
Pinching myself constantly
Hoping that this really isn't my love story
It's a mystery to me
One I can't solve
A battle with my heart that I can't seem to conquer
When will I get over you?
How do I release you?
How do I stop loving you?
I won't
I don't
I can't
And I just have to accept it
You will forever be my hearts dream
You will forever be my souls mate
You will forever be...my first love

Craziest thing ever....

Sometimes when I reflect on some of the crazy things I've done as a child, it's a wonder that I'm still alive today.

I'll never forget the day I almost burned our house down...My brothers won't let me live it down either.

Anyway,

My brothers and I were home alone for the day. My brothers were playing video games, probably was Nintendo :)

Anyway...they weren't paying me any attention. Shame on them!!! I remember needing something out of our coat closet...I knew that it was wayyyy in the back of the closet. The way our house was built, the coat closet was under the stairs so it was extended and gave room for storage. Well I needed some light. I couldn't find a flash light so I used the next best thing this huge lamp I found in the closet. So I plug it up and go to work searching through the closet for my lost item. I find it and place the lamp face down on the carpet.

Little did I know that this was a FLOOD LAMP!!!! All of a sudden we smell smoke! We lift the lamp to find a huge hole/burn in the carpet. Had i left it there any longer, there's no telling how much damage I would've caused. So to remedy the situation, I took the foolish advice of my brothers and sprayed it with air freshner and covered it with a throw rug.

Needless to say, I was punished and sent to my room and to this day flood lights give me flashbacks to one of the craziest days of my life.

:: Cosmic Journey ::

I don't even know where to begin...

But here I stand


Unsure of where to go next. I can't believe it is already August of 2010! Looking back to where I was a year ago, and where I am now, I can truly say that so much in my life has changed.

I find myself doing more than I've ever done. I find myself taking the time now to do more of what I want to do. So why is it that I now find myself at a crossroad? Unsure of which way to go next...Unsure of my next course of action. How do I...? What do I...? When will I...? How will I...?

A few months ago I embarked out on a new journey. I stepped out on a journey.

Unsure of what the outcome would be, I stepped out on faith. The journey has enabled me to meet me new people, to do what I love, and to fulfill one of my dreams. That's right, I left the walls of Shiloh and began singing outside of church. Since the journey has begun:

I've sung background vocals for a local DC Gospel Artist: Lisa Gilliam. The video footage I had was removed from Youtube after the group changed...:: Le Sigh ::


I've joined/formed a Gospel Praise and Worship Group: (Video footage coming soon)


I started singing at Open Mic's in the area. (Below is footage of me singing "Summertime" the week of Lena Horne's death)



I've sung at music conferences, sung at weddings, and even on Bobby Jones...Well let me take that last one back. I was at the Bobby Jones taping, and I was singing Potter's House really loud and Bobby turned to hear who it was and smiled as I was singing lol Does that count?

And I'm happy, but still missing something. My life long dream has been to travel the world and singing. I want to use my voice to reach the people. Use it to give God the glory and to help others to know who he is...So how do I? I've stepped out and done things like, submitting video's of me singing to different groups in search of background vocals. As a matter of fact I sent it over to one of my favorite artists, Bilal, today.

I know, I know, I need to wait on God, and I am. I just hope and pray that he hasn't called me and I missed it because I was too wrapped up in my own mess to hear him.

But I'm going to keep pressing my way...and doing all that I need to do so that when opportunity does come my way, I'm ready.

BTW: This 9-5 ish is for the birds...but I need it to pay my bills, so I'm thankful.

Anyway, keep me in prayer...The journey is not over...

Peace, Love, and Blessings

Always
[LOVE]
Forever

LA

143

Finally, I'm back...New Poetry

You finally uttered the words that my heart has been working to form
You have found a way to take my hearts song and turn it into the perfect melody
You bring my soul story to life
You make every emotion, every feeling, and every thought go from fantasy to reality
And the rhythm of my heart that was once steady has now formed its own beat
Because you make my heart skip
And whenever my soul meets yours
Our minds engage in conversations
Stimulation
And the motivation that you give my heart to love again,
Man, words can't describe
But in time I hope to find the right unification of consonants and vowels that will effectively emulate just what US means
But until my mouth can form the right words to speak
I just speak from my heart numerically
So baby
I say 143
I thank thee for giving me clarity and teaching me what it means to be free
I thank thee for showering me lyrically causing eargasms every time you sing to me
Causing me to write this poetry
Giving me reason to believe that monogamy is no longer a distant memory, but instead can be reality
You equally balance me
And acknowledge me as your beautiful sophisticated lady
And you make me want to be more with you
I want to know more of you
Grow with you
Be in more than just love with you
I want to be in GOD with you
Cause God is love right?
So I ask this one question
Can we forever be?
Cause I'm ready to turn this intangible dream into a tangible reality
Finally make you and me become a permanent WE
Take the time to nurture and groom the WE so that I can be yours permanently
Eventually wearing a ring that represents our unity
A family is what I see for you and me
Creating our own reality
I'm trying to just be with you
I'm trying to see if this we can grow into an US
I'm trying to see if we can go from two to three
Maybe four or five
Because in time, I want you to water me and become the father to my seeds
Becoming the epitome of what a relationship is supposed to be
The truth
The trust
The love
The lust
Becoming the blueprint for the generations that will come after
The laughter you and I share
The joy you bring
The tears I cry because finally
I’ve allowed my soul to find
Allowed my mind to define
Allowed my heart to feel
Allowed my mouth to speak
The three words I once deleted from my vocabulary
So baby
It’s no longer 143
I can finally express how much I truly love thee
But before we go any further on this journey
Can you just answer this for me?
Can you and me forever be?

Okay, Okay, Okay...Yes,I know I've been slacking. 2010 has already been an amazing year. For the past few weeks, while stuck in the house because of the snow, I've really had the time to reflect on where I am now and the places God is leading me to.

5 years ago, the rape incident happened, and man has my life changed since then. It's amazing to think that 5 years ago at this time, I was locked in a room crying my eyes out in darkness. I was afraid, alone, scarred, and damaged. I didn't know when and if I would live to see the next day. Little did I know, but God was preparing me for greatness. The ministry that has been birthed in me, and continues to grow in me, continues to inspire and uplift me every day. I truly am Yardenia.

I know you're asking, "what in the world is Yardenia"? Well, Yardenia is Leslie in Hebrew and it means God's Garden. How apropriate is that? I mean to think of where I was, and how I'm continuing to grow, and glow...I'm just in awe of God's awesomeness...They say that flowers have long been admired and used by humans, mainly to beautify their environment but also as a source of food.



He's using my voice now more than ever before. What happened 5 years ago, that has sparked a new ministry...I'm truly focusd on using the gifts that God has given me...Using it to be the food for the lost souls thatneed to know about Christ. My focus in life right now is definitely ministry.

Lord, you are sooooo amazing...I'd be crazy to think that I made it where I am on my own. I'd be foolish to think that I didn't need God by my side...but I'm so blessed and thankful that he continues to plant new seeds to grow in the garden that he's made in me.




So what am I trying to say here? Just keep growing and glowing and allow God to work in and through you.

Continue to love, live, and give...

I'll be back again soon...

Peace and God's blessings

Always
[LOVE]
Forever

.: L.A. :.

[Yardenia]

.: Brand Nu Year Brand Nu Me :.

My first blog post of 2010...

Man, what a year it has been already :)

I just returned from Mexico...I'm looking quite bronzy right now with this tan. But I love it.

Before I left, I had been dealing with so many things here at work. My mind was cluttered, I was breaking out, I was coughing...It was tough I must say. As soon as I stepped off of the plane in Mexico, it all went away...I needed the time to clear my mind.

It's time to refocus, regroup, and reroute! 2010 is a brand new year for me. I've challenged myself to do things that I've never done before. To