Tuesday, November 24, 2009

.: Life-Changing :.



Man, what an emotional yet fulfilling weekend. A weekend full of laughs, and tears, happiness and sadness, comfort and fear...I probably felt every emotion possible this weekend. I had a ton of moments for growth. I learned so much about self and realized that I'm in a new season...


Saturday night I broke down. I went from baking cupcakes to crying in a dark room in my friend's house...What in the world?!? I wonder if I'm going through the change early? No, really...There have been so many times that I've just emotionally broken down out of nowhere. No warning, no signs of when it will come or end. Saturday was one of those days.

I hadn't been feeling 100% all day, but I knew that I had to be there for my friends. They needed me...So I put self behind, and put others in front. I think that's where I went wrong. I told a friend of mine that I think I'm going to start being a bad friend. She asked why...I told her that everyone runs me to death...But reality is, it's not all their fault. I allow them to. I'm always the one that's there...The one that everyone can rely on. I always put others before self but how come I never have my own Selfish moments? Well it's time that I do...I'm sure some of you are going to be like, "How dare she?" some will say "Good for you Leslie" either way I'm taking time away...

That's it! Eureka! I need a break from everything and everybody...Time to go back to God on some things...I think he is preparing me for what's next in my life...As I think about my roommate moving away, and me having to find a place on my own, maybe that's what I have to face...The reality of being alone for once. I've always surrounded myself with people and never really taken time for me. It's time I start. So if that means I miss a few outings here and there...Or that I have to spend a friday night in the house, so be it.

My prayer is that folks understand where I'm going...If you don't maybe our season as friends is over...I've grown to know and understand that friendships go through their own seasons...and as much as it may hurt, I have to accept that things are going this way for a specific purpose/reason.

Although it hurts even now to think about the major changes that are about to take place, I'm confident that God will be my comforter when I need it. He will continue to love me even in times when I feel alone and feel as though no one else understands.

I thank him for the strong support system that has been built. The family/friends that have been there to support, to comfort, and help heal. God is sooooo awesome! I won't name anyone's name because I don't want to forget anyone...Y'all know my memory is horrible. But if you have read this message and will be a supporter of my next mission in life. Thanks in advance!!! To all of those that may not understand or may not support my decision, that's okay...I still love you anyway (Insider: That supernatural love: Insider)

RevRunWisdom: "Real friendship is shown in times of trouble, prosperity is FULL OF FRIENDS"-Euripides

Now's the time when my real friends will show up and show out...I already have one on my side, and his name is JESUS!

Well enough rambling for one day...

Remember:

God is Love...
God is...
God...

As always, I'm here with a listening ear.

Always
[LOVE]
Forever

.: LA :.

Monday, November 16, 2009

.: The Pain of Relationships :. [I need a moment to vent]

There are no pictures today...No famous quotes...

I'm just a friend whose heart is heavy...

Abuse is Abuse...whether Physical, Mental, Spiritual, Verbal, or Emotional...it's all still damaging to the heart, mind, and soul.

When is enough, enough? As I sit in the background and watch a close friend continue to allow a man to verbally abuse her I wonder...When is enough, enough? For the last 5 years, I've watched as this man yells, curses, and degrades this young woman. For 5 years I've been a listening ear, I've offered advice, I've allowed her to cry on my shoulders...and again I ask...When is enough, enough?!

Has she ever tried fighting back? I guess so, if you consider yelling back at him fighting back...For me the ultimate victory would be picking yourself up, finding self love, and doing what's best for you and your family...

As I sat on the phone with her the other night and listened to the screaming match that she was having with her boyfriend, my heart grew heavy. How could any MAN or WOMAN disrespect others and themselves like that? I know what some may be thinking..."Leslie you're on the outside looking in. You don't understand..." Maybe I don't understand fully...but I also can't just continue to sit back and watch the disrespect that goes on between these two. The worse part of it all is that this happens in front of their kids. As I heard their son say "Daddy, don't talk to mommy like that" I had to fight back the tears. This is what their children are witnessing. That's the image that his children have to see...it's like they're saying yes son, it's okay to disrespect a woman by constantly yelling and cursing at her. Or yes daughter, it's okay to allow a man to disrespect you like this. Just shut your mouth and take it!

My heart hurts even now as I type this. It's not one persons fault, both are at fault...

As I hear her stories about how much time they DON'T spend together. How much they "say" they love each other but never have action to show it. The lies they tell each other...the emotional connection that they lack... .: Sigh :. When is enough, enough?

As I listen to Mya's 'Moodring' cd, the song "Taste This" comes on.

"Taste This"

I'm tired of this sh*t
I'm tired of these silly @ss games
I can't even look at you no more
And I don't think you'll ever understand
Until you get a dose of your own
It's your turn now

Crazy how I never use to say a single word
I just held in all the hurt, all this hurt
And I was so afraid you might flip out
And leave me in the cold
Then my mind ran out of space
So many stories untold

How would you feel
If I put my girls before the one I love
How would it feel
If every time you wanna talk
I turn the TV on
How would you feel
If when we're making love
I don't go down no more
So you know how I feel
Get ready cause a 3-6-0's about to go down

Taste this
You not a man
If I gotta tell you how to treat me (Oh)
And I'm not a woman
If I don't stand up in what I believe in
Taste that
50/50's it's suppose to be
But less than 25 is what you gave me


I just wish that all of it were true!!!!! Some days I just really wish that she would put all of those words into action. So as her friend I try to be patient. I try to sit back because I don't know what else to do. I never want to be in the middle of any relationship. Especially since I've been friends with both of them for the same amount of time. I just wish she'd really give him her 2 weeks notice! Ugh!!! She says she wants out...I know she's invested a lot, but honestly...No MAN or WOMAN for that matter, is worth the blood, sweat, and tears that she has suffered over these last years...No one deserves this treatment...No One...

So as her friend, what am I supposed to do? I pray for her all of the time. I pray for her strength. I pray for her patience. I pray for wisdom and that one day a light bulb will come on and she can finally say "ENOUGH!"

She reminds me every day why it's okay to be single sometimes. I never want to be in a situation or a "relationship" where I am always saying that having this "Man" is better than not having anyone at all...

Biggest Fear: One day a hand will be raised out of anger, and someone will physically get hurt... :(

I'm waiting and praying that her "Movin On" and "Take a Bow" and "Irreplacable" moment will come..........

I wait for the day that Self Love will outweigh Lustful Love...We all know that a physical relationship will never last...

So I ask for your prayers my friends...Pray for all women going through any type of abuse...Pray for those in bad relationships...Pray for those in relationships alone...Pray for those that are single and think that bad love is better than no love...

Like they say: I can do bad all by myself...

Sorry, folks, I just needed a moment to vent...

May his Peace be with each of you...

Always

[LOVE]

Forever

.: LA :.

Monday, November 2, 2009

.: Epiphany :.

I have been working on this blog for a little over a week now. Struggling to get through it because my mind is so cloudy...



I sit now thinking about the place that I'm in. How unhappy I am...How unfulfilled I am...How happy I once was...* sigh *

The best way for me to release and let go sometimes, is to let the tears flow. But how do I do that, when I'm all cried out!! I seem to have run out of tears. I'm not sure of when and how I lost that joy I once had. I was doing so well for so long. One day last week I just woke up and looked around, thankful for another day but yet still empty. I've been thinking a lot over these last couple of weeks. I lost focus...I lost sight of the most person thing...I lost sight of God.

I found myself going home every night, and instead of reading my word, I spent that time sleeping, or watching tv. I kept trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I knew things had gone wrong after I broke my commitment to God. Ultimately, I got distracted, and I didn't even attempt to find a way to regain focus, but I must. I have to now. There's no way that I can continue saying that I'm a child of God, and preaching one thing and doing another.

I have to forgive myself...I've already asked God for forgiveness but in order for me to move on, I've realized that I've got to get past me and back to him.

So I took a major step which was a part of forgiving myself...I had to let go of a relationship that was keeping me from moving forward. It was a relationship that I was allowing to distract me from my relationship with God. So caught up in the idea of "having someone", that I lost sight of self. I was forgotten when it became US. Couldn't do it anymore so I let go. Did this person do me wrong? No, but I knew that I wasn't where God wanted me to be. I tried to be my own Cupid instead of allowing God to be the lead. I knew it wasn't going to work out, but it was what I wanted, even if only for a moment. But I had to let go...And now, I am working on the reconstruction of ME.

End Result: I'm still a work in progress...

Thankful that God is a God of a second chance! Thank you God!!

Leslie is still


So, I didn't realize how attached I was to my cell phone.



Last Wednesday, my BB went down for the count and never regained consciousness. At first, I was saddned by the death of Be-Be (as she was affectionately known as) But by day 2, I realized that it was what I needed. I spent 5 days without a phone and I was okay with that. When I got a new one the system was down so they couldn't sync my phone. Therefore, I lost all of my contacts. Thank you God!!! Sounds crazy right?!? But I looked at it this way, I've been struggling to let go of some people from my past. I kept trying to bring back people into my life that I know God was trying to take away. I need a clean sweep through my phone. I kept saying, one day, I'm going to need their number...Foolishness!!! What in the world was I thinking about?!?! I needed to let go...I wanted to let go but wouldn't allow myself to, but thank God for the broken phone!

It's just another step on my road to recovery :) I will no longer be addicted to the Crackberry!!!


Words of Wisdom for the week: Be not weary, in well doing. In time, it will come to pass. Set your eyes on things above, know that God is working on your behalf. :)--Thank you Hezekiah Walker and The LFCC! [I'm staying focused. This joy that I have the world didn't give it, the world can't take it away]

"Every SET BACK that we go through is a SET UP for a COME BACK!--Thank you Rev. Joel Olsteen

So, enough rambling for the day...I do have work to do :-)

As always, I'm hear with a listening ear.
Keep me in your prayers as you are in mine...

Peace and Blessings!

Always
[LOVE]
Forever

.: LA :.