Tuesday, October 19, 2010

.: Still Trusting :.



Wow, what a journey this year has been...

A year ago, I found myself struggling with a lot of things.



*Trust*--in God, in myself, in family, in men.
*Sex*--I fell short of my commitment to abstain
*Love*--of myself and who I've become, to others, from others
*Commitment*--to God, to my calling, relationships

A lot of the issues I never shared with anyone. I just went on as though there were no real issues. I actually believed that a lot of the issues would just disappear and I would not have to make any changes within my life or within myself in order for things to go right. Foolish Mortal

It took a while but there were number of nights that I cried, and prayed...Nights that I had to be alone with just me and God. During this time, I watched as relationships crumbled...and others grew strong...I watched as things within me transformed...My spiritual life transformed...

I realized that in order to get where I needed to be, that I had to take a lot of necessary steps and let God lead me. These are all things I already knew, but I wasn't actively practicing.

back in early 06, I made a commitment to abstain from sex until I was in a committed relationship. During that time I dated a few men, but because they couldn't get down with my choice to remain abstinent, they had to float on...In October 09 I slipped made a mistake, but I quickly learned from it and changed my vow from abstinence to celibacy...

Many even now don't understand why I made the decision that I did. I hear so many comments "You'll never find a man that will wait" "You're crazy" "Do you really think a man will be faithful" And that's fine because one thing I will never do is compromise my morals and values for the sake of a man, or society...So I'm sticking to my guns!

With that said, I know that it means, I will be in my single season right now...and that's fine...But don't get me wrong, this is not a lifestyle for everyone, and I would never force my view points on anyone..This is the life I've chosen...You choose yours and live yours...

I'm gonna keep the faith that God is preparing someone just for me...that not only understands my life choices but also respects it more importantly. So I will continue to wait patiently for my day...

Monday, October 18, 2010

..: It's been a while :.

I haven't shared in a long time... Here goes nothing :)

I can't seem to shake you
Waking up in a sweat
Falling asleep while still awake
I dream you
Day and Night
The fight I have each day with my heart is draining me
The feelings should have subsided long ago
But my heart says otherwise
The emotional attachment should have faded long ago
But my soul says otherwise
My mind says I should hate you
But my love still wishes to embrace you
Knowing that I can't have you, I still keep you
Close
Only as a friend
Steadily trying to prove how true we would have
Could have
and should have been
My pen seems to be the only way that you and I can be together
But I keep holding on to a memory
Haven't found someone better than you for me
So I stay lonely
Strategically
Master mindfully and tactfully etching out the possibility of being without you
And I push others away
I try to remain close to you
Knowing in the end that you without me will forever be my reality
But I'm struggling
Struggling to accept it
Struggling to embrace it
Pinching myself constantly
Hoping that this really isn't my love story
It's a mystery to me
One I can't solve
A battle with my heart that I can't seem to conquer
When will I get over you?
How do I release you?
How do I stop loving you?
I won't
I don't
I can't
And I just have to accept it
You will forever be my hearts dream
You will forever be my souls mate
You will forever be...my first love