Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Self Evaluation Part I

I had an interesting talk with a friend of mine this past weekend. He and I were discussing past relationships. He challenged me to find a recurring theme among all of the relationships and people that I have dated. So I jotted a few notes down...just to see if I could find such a fact...and I did...I've had a lot of men lie to me in the past...Of course in their opinion it was to "Keep me from being hurt" they were scared that I wouldn't be able to handle it.

Why is it that every time that a relationship ends when for so long you were so open, that you decide that now is the time to hold things in? I think I'm pretty up front with my emotions and feelings...so why can't I receive the same respect? I have begun to realize that sometimes that their lying is a cover up of their true self.

I actually had a guy that told me he wasn't ready for committment which I found funny since he was the one that wanted the relationship lol. So I knew it was something deeper, and that he was keeping something from me...and then after I told him that it didn't matter how bad he thought it was, that I'd rather hear his reason then be left wondering. So he finally broke down and told me basically that it was because I wasn't some 5'7 model type chick...He loved my personality, he loved hanging with me, etc...but I wasn't his "type" lol how does that make sense?!?! It did explain one thing, and that was how shallow he was.

Now I won't say that I haven't made my fair share of mistakes in a relationship/dating...I didn't share my time or I pushed too hard but it doesn't excuse anyone from lying...

I am the type of person that needs closure to a situation...I hate wondering what if? how? why? what did I do? Somethings naturally don't work out, but when you fall off the face of the earth and never say why, that's what hurts more then anything...or when you lie to me in order to "spare my feelings" that hurts me more. Maybe that's just me. Maybe that's something I have to work out. Who knows?

Anyway, I know I sound like a victim here, but know that I have been the predator in some situations as well...So am I being punished for hurt that I caused someone else in the past?

I wonder....

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