.: Missing Pieces of Me :.

What used to be fun, now bores me
What used to once fulfill me now empties me
When did this...
How did this...
What did I miss?
Woke up one day and realized that my heart's desires
That my dreams and thoughts of you had changed
And now
I find myself seeking for more
Yearning for more
Hoping and wishing more for fullness
Fullness in all areas
The mental
Spiritual
Physical and emotional
There are some things I have forgotten
Its been so long since Love has invaded my soul that I've forgotten how to
When to
Who to
Love
Beyond self, and family and God
You know
The intimate type
The times when ballads were meaningful
When heart felt the same as mind
The unique blend of joy and "freeness"
The absence of loneliness
The presence of openness
The deletion of envy
The insertion of comfort
What happened to the "So Amazing"s
and the "Someone to Love"
Instead
My heart is full of how "I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW"
The "Heartbreaker" that tells my heart that I should be "Movin On"
The place I promised never to be in again
And I hate myself for it
Let you in
Let you invade
Let you persuade my heart
To love again
To breathe again
To BE again
You used to be my "Who"
I used to L O V E U but Y
You don't write, BORING * Yawn *
You don't read * yawn *
You don't sing * stretch *
You don't dance * yawn and stretch *
What did I see?
What blinded me?
What was it?
When was it?
How did I....
Why did I....
Now what do I do...
causeistillloveyou

.: S.O.S. :. [Newness Part IV]

Last night I cried myself to sleep.

After an emotional reading of Psalm 23 and 25. I cried, then I prayed, and I cried some more. The crazy thing is, I don't know what my tears were for? I think my mind and spirit are confused. I think I've become too immune to pain and heartache. I don't really handle it anymore. I view it as a grain of salt, but never really have any type of emotional break down or anything. It has/had become so bad that sometimes I don't even know when I'm going through. Last night I did...

This morning, with swollen eye lids I arose from slumber, thankful to see another day. Yet I still sit here confused, perplexed by last nights events. What did my tears mean...Let's run down the many things going through my mind...

Possible reasons for tears:

* I still sit in confusion on my real purpose
* I still am unsure of where God is leading me
* Do I stay?
* Do I go?
* Do I finish that which was not completed years ago?
* Is my heart still in it?

Man, now I understand why I'm so confused...My mind and spirit are dealing with so many things...

As I sit and read Psalms 25 to myself again, I am still getting emotional. The verses are penetrating my spirit and soul in a mighty way...

VS. 4 Show me the right path, O Lord;
point out the road for me to follow

[This was my prayer to God last night because I am lost. I stand at a fork in the road unsure of which road to take. So I stand asking God to show me the way]

VS. 8 The Lord is good and does what is right;
he shows the proper path to those who go astray

[This gave me hope. Lord knows that in my time, I have gone astray. I just need God to bring me back]

VS. 11 For the honor of your name, O Lord,
forgive my many, many sins.
12 Who are those who fear the Lord?
He will show them the path they should choose.
13 They will live in prosperity,
and their children will inherit the land.
14 The Lord is a friend to those who fear him.
He teaches them his covenant.
15 My eyes are always on the Lord,
for he rescues me from the traps of my enemies.

[Thank God for these verses! How appropriate is "Calling my name" (Hezekiah Walker and LFCC) to be playing in the background. He's still calling me. Even though I have sinned, he still calls me. How amazing/awesome/incredible is that? How I need thee O' God]

VS.16 Turn to me and have mercy,
for I am alone and in deep distress.
17 My problems go from bad to worse.
Oh, save me from them all!
18 Feel my pain and see my trouble.
Forgive all my sins.
19 See how many enemies I have
and how viciously they hate me!
20 Protect me! Rescue my life from them!
Do not let me be disgraced, for in you I take refuge.
21 May integrity and honesty protect me,
for I put my hope in you.

[What more can I say...]

The last few conversations that I've had with close friends and family, they've been telling me to ask God for what I need, and to be exact. This is my struggle. I want to make sure before going to him, that my WANTS are not before my NEEDS. Sometimes in life we get so focused on the wants, and that's not always what we NEED at the time. So I've struggled, I've delayed going to God on things because I'm still confused on what I really am asking for. So instead, I just pray for Guidance, Discernment, Patience, and Understanding. Last night I got a little more specific [That's between me and God of course]I know he heard me, but I wonder what his answer will be. I know he'll answer. God always answers. I wait in anticipation, and I don't mind waiting, but am I wrong for wondering what the answer will be?


I miss my Shiloh Family!!!


I've been away from my church home for the last month and a half. In August I was out of town for most of the month, so I was only there for two sundays. I went to Bible Study a couple of times. This month, because I was sick the first week, I opted to listen to an old Sermon from Pastor. That was good for me. This past Sunday, I went to another church close to home with my roommate. I know she's been looking for one closer to our apartment so I suggested a church and decided to visit with her on Sunday.


The sermon came out of Haggai [When first mentioned in the sermon I sat with the confused face. How many sermons actually come out of Haggai?] It was entitled: "Why we don't always get, everything God has for us"

Man, oh man, did that shoot a dagger right through my heart. The song says: "What God has for me, it is for me" So when I'm missing out on some things it's not because God has forgotten me, but maybe I need to evaluate my current walk and the things I'm doing.

So he gave us three points to consider when I'm wondering why I'm not getting everything that God has for me.

1. Consider your Sacrifice-It's my responsibility and duty, to honor God. That's in sacrifice of my time, my money, and my body.

2. Consider your Obedience-I must be obedient to God's will and call on my life. That means I can't only hear God, I must also listen...

3. Consider your Service-I must not only serve God and thank God for what he's done, but also because of who he is. It's how I can show my love and appreciation for who he is.

There it is--> S.O.S. (Sacrifice, Obedience, Service)

So it's time for me to really look in the mirror at myself. I can't continue to be afraid of what is going to look back at me. I must give God the glory and honor that is due...I never know what I could be missing out on.

So I will stay in STILLNESS....."Be Still And Know That I AM GOD!"
It's time for me to get more comfortable with the word, on my own, and not just in church and Bible Study.

Like the word says: "Consider your ways, acknowledge Him and He shall direct your path"

I'm ready to walk in my destiny!!!


So continue to pray for me during this time. I'm still finding my way. I'll be back at it soon. Lord knows I miss singing and dancing!! So for now I'm getting my private praise and worship on lol :)

As always, I'm here with a listening ear if you need me.

Peace and Blessings!

Always
[LOVE]
Forever

.: LA :.

The Ninja Chronicles [Part III]

Well, it's been a while since I've posted anything from my Ninja Chronicles...

So where should I begin? I was out at "The Park" last Thursday in celebration of the bornday of a close friend of mine. I mean really, how often do I go out anymore, and at that, on a Thursday night? Well anyway, so I was out and I'm coming out of the restroom the same time as this guy. I walk towards the sink, but he heads towards the exit. (For those that don't know, the bathrooms are unisex so there are communal sinks when you come out of the restrooms) Anyway, so I proceed to call the brother out.

The conversation was somewhere along the lines of this:

Leslie: "Sir, ummm aren't you forgetting to wash your hands?"
Sir: "I washed them before I went in the bathroom."
Leslie: "Okay, but um you need to wash them when you come out as well"
Sir: "Why? My goods are clean. I washed my hands before going in so that I don't put the germs from the outside world on my stuff."

The conversation went on, Roomie and I harrassed him and he eventually washed his hands...

The nasty part was, he tried to shake our hands before washing them and had the nerve to be offended when we wouldn't touch him!

So how often does this happen? How many hands have I shaken and the guy had not washed his hands after leaving the restroom?

Needless to say, I was quite disgusted for the evening...

But like I always say, Ninjas will be Ninjas...

I am forever scorned by Thursdays' events and will be careful to shake the hands of a man from now on...

Thanks Drew!! (That was his name. He took interest in us after we hounded him. Like he was really gonna get play. HA!)

Anyway, that's all for now...

Until next time...

Peace, Love, and Soap!

Always
[Love]
Forever,

.: LA :.

.: The Journey is still going :. [Newness Part III]

Last night, the clock struck 12:00 a.m. and I was still awake. So I did something I probably shouldnt have done. I got in my car, and I drove...No real destination I just wanted to get out to clear my head. I was alert and made sure I had a charged phone and a wallet. I just drove...


At first, I found myself making a bunch of right turns and then it clicked, Leslie, you're about to end up right back where you started...

Then the light bulb came on...

That's what I've doing in regards to my own life pattern...Following the same path, making right turns and ending up right back where I started...There's hardly ever been in variation in my routine of life...I did the same things every week. Went the same places, did so many things routinely and never thought anything about it. I kept wondering why it seemed as though my path was never extending...I never allowed it to. As soon as I saw a road block coming, I just made a right turn or a U-turn...I found a way to get back to where I once was...


You know how they say 2 steps forward, 3 steps back...I DID THAT! What in the Ham Sandwich! How did I not see that? How did I not know that? I guess I was so afraid of the path ahead of me, that I ran...I allowed emotion to take over and I retreated...I found a way not to face it. I took the easy way out. That is no more!!!!

On Sunday, I opted to sit out from church and to have it on my own. I listened to one of Pastor Earl's sermons and it was about Returning to Dark Places. It was interesting that this was the sermon that I played because it is definitely something that I am dealing with at this very moment. I have been contemplating the return to a dark place. I have been taking some necessary steps in order to make some things happen. If it is God's will, then it will all work out. I don't want to give out any details until some things are finalized. Just keep me in prayer...

I'm keeping it short today...I have a lot on my plate at work so I gotta get back to it...

Until next time...

Remember, I'm always here with a listening ear...

Peace and God's Blessings!!!

Always [LOVE] Forever,

.: LA :.

.: The Journey continues... :. [Newness Part II]

Play while reading:

We Worship You - Gideon Band

It is only a snippet, so to hear the whole song, click the link that says "play full song"...

This morning it felt like September...
Cool air, the smell of fall...I needed that this morning. I needed something new, something fresh...

Sometimes I just want to drive to the mountains


Sometimes I just need a moment with God...Somewhere in a peaceful setting. No highways, no police sirens, no children playing...Just me and nature, just me and God.

Last night I tossed and turned for a while. So I decided to get up and have a moment with God. I turned on 'Gideon Band' and I began to dance. What a release. I've been so busy and wrapped up in everything going on in life, that I hadn't taken the time for my own personal worship. End Result: I fell right to sleep

Reflections on this past weekend:

*Black Love is beautiful- I was fortunate enough to have the opportunity to participate in two weddings this month. How awesome of an experience it was. Not just because these were two of my closest friends, but because these were both my spiritual bestfriends. It was exciting to witness because both of these marriages, I know, were ordained by God. To witness their relationships progress across the years has been inspirational and encouraging. It is their relationships that give me the hope, and help me to keep the faith in knowing that God has mad a man for me. It reassures me that I'm on the right track by keeping God first, and keeping the faith, and TRUSTING him.

*Even when apart from some friends, the bond can still hold tight-
It's amazing how you can be closer to those that are far away, than you are to those that live close by. I can honestly say that God has blessed me with some amazing friends. Some may only be in my life for a season, some for a specific reason, and some to last a lifetime...God has blessed me with some wonderful friends that I hope to be around for a long time.

*I must continue to trust God- These last few days, I've really been struggling with this "stillness". I know that this is where I'm supposed to be, but sometimes I struggle with whether or not I'm hearing God correctly. Sometimes I wonder if where I am is where I placed myself, or if its where God led me to. Even when I stumble, even when I fall, God is always there...Where would I be without him? Lost...

And how amazing he is...As I'm writing this blog, the song "Be Grateful" by Walter Hawkins is playing. So right now, in the midst of this storm I'm in, how encouraging this song is.

Lyrics: "God has not promised me, sunshine, that's not the way it's going to be, but a little rain mixed with God's sunshine, a little pain makes me appreciate the good times. Be Grateful. God desires to feel your longings. Every pain that you feel, he feels them just like you, but he can't afford to let you feel only good. Then you can appreciate the good times. Be Grateful."

So in this storm, I'm continuing to remain grateful, because on the otherside is my breaktrhough. On the otherside of every storm is a rainbow.
leads to...

So I must keep fighting. Even though I may not understand everything that I'm going through at this very moment, I'm grateful for everything I'm going through...

Songs that played while writing this blog...

It shall come to pass by Hezekiah Walker
"Hold on and believe, it shall come to pass"
Healing by Richard Smallwood
"Don't be discouraged, joy comes in the morning/mourning. Know that God is nigh. Stand still and look up. God is going to show up. He is standing by..."


So as the tears stream down my face, my soul is encouraged, my spirits are lifted because I know that God has some great things in store for me. Thanks be to God for all that he's done, all that he's doing, and all that he's going to do...

As always, I'm here with a listening ear if you need me.

Peace and Blessings!!!

Always [LOVE] Forever,

.: LA :.